DeAnna Knippling Answers 5 Quintessential Questions

Welcome to 5 Quintessential Questions, a recurring interview series where I pose five specially designed questions to our favorite members of the indie art community. This time we sit down with DeAnna Knippling, writer extraordinaire and owner of Wonderland Press!

Allison: You found a surprise ten dollar bill in the dryer. How do you celebrate this magnificient windfall?

I track down my daughter and ask if it's hers. Look, her heartbreak is going to be greater than my pleasure. And it's hers. I know it is. It's always hers.

Then I go out and treat myself to a sushi lunch because I have so much goddamned integrity, okay?

Allison: You wake up and realize the apocalypse has just happened. What do you have for breakfast?

A bowl of Jelly Bellies. Unless the apocalypse happens after I eat the rest of this batch. I bought a Costco bucket o'jelly beans for part of a Christmas present but didn't use them all up. I told myself I was going to split them up into those little plastic containers that you get in quarter machines, and put them in our quarter machine (we have one), so I could at least pretend to regulate how many I ate at one go. The idea is that if you have a bad day, you stick a couple of quarters in the quarter machine, and out pops a treat. Just something small and unncessary. But I keep putting this off. Yesterday I almost did it. But the Christmas tree was sitting in front of the quarter machine, so of course I had to take that down and put it in boxes first. This morning for breakfast, I ate a couple of handfuls of jelly bellys. Maybe it's like Jimmy Buffet says and it's always the apocalypse somewhere.

Allison: It's 3am and you hear a knock at the door. When you open it, you see a penguin standing here. He's wearing a bandolero, a cowboy hat, and a fake mustache. He seems to know you. Why is he there?

I close the door and get a handful of jelly bellys.

The last time I saw him, he almost had me convinced he was a Mexican jumping penguin named Manuel. He left a stash in my crawlspace a couple of years ago. Well, I finally got my ass in gear and got under the house to change the air filter. We've lived in this house for five years now, and never changed the furnace filter. But anyway I found his stash. Normally I tell people it was weed (I live in Colorado), but what the hell. He left his Christmas present for his mom there. It was wrapped and everything. I'm not normally the kind of person who goes unwrapping things (the one time I found out what my present was early it was horrible...the present was lame AND I had to pretend to like it without even the benefit of it being a surprise), but I know his mom, and he's been talking about doing something nasty to her for years, so I did. Imagine my surprise when I found out it was a kitten. Dead. I mean, he's not the smartest penguin. But it was a sweet thought.

When I feel up to it, I let him in--tell him to be quiet--and make him some tea while I buck myself up to tell him about the cat.

I hope he didn't mean to give her a dead cat.

Allison: Which super villain are you most like?

Freddy Kreuger. I am often overenthusastic about enlightening people via dreamlike states.

Allison: Someone offers you a million dollars to write the greatest slash fiction story of all time. Give me your elevator pitch.

It's a blizzard, and there's a convention in town: INVESTIGATORS OF THE STRANGE AND UNUSUAL. There for signings are Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Sam & Dean, Sherlock & Watson, House, Castle, Scully & Mulder, John Constantine, and more. The lights go out and a demonic voice growls, "Prepare for Death..." Then a voice says, "Death? Does someone need a...doctor?" 

Things quickly get out of hand when Our Heroes ascertain that the only way to defeat this demon is by summoning the Spirit of Love, who is currently unavailable due to a fight with Being Beyond Our Ken, so they settle for the Spirit of Sex.

The world could have ended if they hadn't, you know.

Allison: I think I just had an extreme nerdgasm from that pitch. You'll have to excuse me while I clean up for a second. Thank you for joining us, DeAnna!

DeAnna Knippling writes fictions for obscure predilictions. You can find her at www.WonderlandPress.com, where she blogs about writing and other curious madnesses. Currently she's publishing an ongoing series about Alice Liddell (the "real" Alice in Wonderland) and Charles Dodgson, her gentleman zombie. There's tea and brains and you can find more information Alice's Adventures in Underland here.