You know LinkedIn, right? The social network for
corporate dweebs people looking for work? I don't know how it's supposed to happen, exactly, but apparently if the right person stumbles upon your LinkedIn profile, they are supposed to shit their pants over your extensive list of qualifications and hire you on the spot or something. Also, I'm pretty sure it's a great way to keep in touch with that secretary you were banging for awhile without the chance of your wife finding out on Facebook. I don't know. I'm not really in the right line of work to make much use of this network. I have an account. I think I've logged into it once or twice. But there are many who do use it, and what they might not know is that Business Insider has recently posted a list of overused buzzwords that you want to scrub off your profile now. And I mean NOW. Or IMMEDIATELY as the article's headline demands, as if the millions of eyes of all the world's potential employers that were looking at your page are now screaming, with blood and green ooze spurting from their eye sockets, and all because you used the word "effective."
These words are employment ebola, people! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!
For those who have been ignoring me for the last seven years or so, I'm a writer. I have extensive experience in the putting together of words for the enjoyment of others. For a while, I was also a freelance editor, which means I have extensive experience fixing people's shitty words for money. But now I'm going to put my skills to use helping you find substitutes for these buzzwords so that your profile can stand high among the rest. Are you ready to kick-ass and make shit happen? Are you ready to shine? Here we go:
Organizational -- Good arranger of stuff
Effective -- Getting shit done
Motivated -- Wanter of getting shit done
Extensive Experience -- Longtime doer of doing things and stuff
Track Record -- List of shit and other stuff I've done
Innovative -- Thinker upper of new shit and things
Responsible -- Not hurting people and things with my shit
Analytical -- Able to see things for the shit they really are
Problem Solving -- Making shit into better stuff
Communication Skills -- Good at talking about shit and other stuff. Also sometimes things
Dynamic -- Able to handle things and shit of all types
That should pretty much handle it. Now get to buffing up that LinkedIn profile! People are waiting to hire you to do shit!