9.05.2012

F*CK Mommy Porn

I am a mom.

I like porn.

Okay, that's not exactly true. I really don't watch a lot of porn, but I CAN say that I love sex and things that are sexy. And I am okay with porn as a commodity for human consumption, like beer or Doritos. It's just that, for me, watching porn is kind of like watching someone else play a video game I really want to play. It's frustrating and reminds me of what I'm not doing. If sex is unavailable to me for whatever reason, I'd rather just masturbate to a mind movie of my own creation and go to sleep. But that's beside the point. My point is, I swear to happy unicorn Jesus that if someone ever uses the phrase "mommy porn" in front of me without the least bit of irony, I'm going to judo kick him or her in the left buttock/testicle/tit--whatever's closest to my foot.

If you haven't heard the phrase "mommy porn" yet, you haven't been paying attention. It's become the mainstream way to categorize erotic romance stories with a strong female base, ever since the crazy huge success of the Fifty Shades of Grey books. But what does the "mommy porn" phrase even mean? Okay, that's rhetorical. We know what "mommy porn" means. It means "porn for moms." But what makes porn for moms different from actual porn? Is there porn for dads? (I suppose that just falls under the heading of "everything else.")

I guess, to those who coined the term and keep using it (and who are probably the same assholes who coined "mommy blogger" and "mommy job" and "mommy jeans" and "mommy cocktails"), mommy porn is either mild porn, porn without guts or ambition, or porn with a plot. Or maybe it's porn with a little bit of that steamy "I can fix a broken man" theme all us ladies can relate to. Or it could be porn made specifically for super tired women who have had an infant latched to each breast all day, and who just want to escape to a place where they can be spanked and tied up by a super rich dude and not smell like spit-up milk and baby wipes. It signifies the ultimate in wish fulfillment and escapism from the doldrums of "mommyhood," but with the caveat that it can't offend "too much." It's not enough that Christian Grey wants to subject innocent little Ana to the brutally exhilarating whims of BDSM. He also has to have mommy issues of his own that only Ana can alleviate.

But I think there is a deeper meaning here. Something that strikes at the heart of the whole societal perception of women in general, and I'm going to just lay it all out.

"Mommy Porn" depicts a woman who is so sexually uptight and repressed that she couldn't cut a silent fart without feeling shame for a week, and never mind actually having an orgasm. It depicts women who don't really "like" sex for themselves, but would rather experience it through a literary character or some soft core late night HBO skin flick. It depicts women who would never give a blowjob or would never have intercourse in any other style than missionary. It depicts an arid, joyless vagina that looks forward to visiting a penis (or penis-like implement) about as much as I anticipate cleaning out the cat's litterbox every day. It depicts women who can't even say the word penis without crossing their legs. And any ideas of whips, handcuffs, or even a little bit of dirty talk between thrusts must be relegated to the annals of smutty literature, to be read in secret and then rubbed out to a perfunctory near-orgasmic tingle (with a muffled squeak into a pillow, lest we wake the baby) between soaps.

Sure, women like this exist. My grandmother would have probably fainted after the first paragraph of this blog (and if she read the last paragraph, she'd probably have a coronary), but I think this whole depiction of "Mommydom" is just such... shit.

At its core, this "mommy" stuff is insulting and misogynistic, not only to moms, but to women. To say "mommy porn" implies that mothers are "delicate" and "frail" and "completely unoffensive." A "mommy" has to cut the crusts off our sandwiches while wearing jeans up to her rib cage. She must douche regularly with gardenia-scented Summer's Eve and do exactly as her husband tells her. And she must never, ever reveal a hint of her sexuality.

Isn't this shit a little outdated by now? How about we drop it once and for all and stop perpetuating sexually sterile stereotypes about women by associating the act of motherhood with things that are lame? After all, in order to become mothers, most of us had to get laid first, and I would bet the hypothetical farm that the overwhelming majority of us probably enjoyed ourselves.