12.21.2010

Resolutions of Body, Heart, and Mind

I've already set writing goals. But what of personal ones? I decided to do a Body, Heart, and Mind theme this year, as I think the goal of any new year or new phase in life should be to improve one's spirit. to achieve some sort of growth

Body: 
I will spend this year making up for the year of neglect my body faced in 2010 due to lack of health insurance. I let myself go in the latter part of 2010, and I don't mean merely with weight. I have actual health issues that need to be addressed in addition to my nutrition. I have a hurt shoulder in need of examining. My bloodwork needs an update. I need a fucking pap smear (tmi?). I also endeavor to love my body more this year by feeding it better and moving it more. This isn't really about weight loss, but about general health as well as the joy that comes from pushing myself to new heights, to see what I'm capable of doing, making, seeing, feeling, and accomplishing. Gone is the mere goal of thin, which is akin to trying to grab a cloud from the sky. More on this in a bit...

Heart:
I resolve to end the fakery in my life. I will not be forced into situations where I must be surrounded by people who clearly don't give a shit about me and vice versa. I mean really, why sugar-coat it? It's neither good nor healthy for one's emotions to grit one's teeth and swallow the shit other people are shoveling simply because they think that's all there is to eat. Nor is it acceptable to be expected to abide by someone else's idea of happiness when clearly NO ONE is happy. I will also not allow myself to be shoe-horned into someone else's mundane and dusty traditions. In fact, I intend to reboot my own Tradition Machine every two to three years, because I think traditions are like nooses the creatively challenged use to choke the fun and variety out of life. We get one trip on this planet in this body and with this mind. WHY must we spend it wearing blinders and rictus grins? Excusing the people who piss on our legs by saying we were cold and needed the extra warmth? Enough already. If I'm going to have a better heart, it has to start from a place of honesty.

Mind:
I resolve to stop being disgusted with my body every time I look in a mirror. Why should I judge myself by unrealistic standards set by an industry of Photoshop wizards? Why should I feel like a disgusting human being because my folds, rolls, creases, stretch marks, and other flaws are more visible than yours? Why should my physical flaws be more damning than the character deficits of those who have caused me to look on myself with loathing and shame? I have a message for those who think there is only one way to be beautiful, who think people like me are disgusting, and who regularly devalue people of size or think we should be ashamed: go piss up a rope. It's pretty damn hard to love oneself in a culture so obsessed with vanity and superficial values. It's like trying to walk up a hill while every passerby swings crowbars at my kneecaps. Maybe if people spent more time fostering a sense of compassion, of educating themselves on the many facets of nutrition, metabolism, genetics, and cognitive and emotional traits that all contribute to one's body type, or maybe if they just accepted the REALITY of varying body types period, they could affect positive change. Feelings of self-worth motivate people to better themselves. Shame is like brakes on a car.

I will love myself. I will relish my authentic emotions. I will feel no shame over who I am, what I look like, or how I feel.

And with that, bring on 2011, bitches.

2 comments:

  1. You are my Hero! I love you so much and may just join you in this

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  2. There is so much I love about this post. Body: I also have neglected my medical needs for too long. I don't see myself getting health insurance in the next year, so I might just have to grit my teeth, go to the doctor, and pray I don't have a problem that requires extensive treatment.

    Heart: I've been working on just what you describe here. Backing off from toxic or apathetic people is hard for this people-pleaser. The key for me is recognizing being around these people is a habit, not a need, and it's always scary breaking a habit.

    Mind: Working on this too. I think the best way to fight the current obsession with youth and "perfection" is solid confidence in one's own beauty.

    Good post. :)

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