You read my blog. Chances are, you have spoken with me via phone, e-mail, or in person. Either way, you've gotten a sense of my linguistic cadences and vocabulary, and you know that the latter is not short of its share of cusswords. Well, I received a message from God yesterday that it's time to change my lewd ways. It's funny how He communicates with me. It's never first-hand. No burning bushes for this girl. This time, He used my husband as a conduit. How did He do that? The way He always does: via signs posted in front of kooky churches (see: right). Ken was with a friend in town yesterday and saw this latest revelation of the Lord staked out in front of the Lacey Christian Center (formerly known as the Ghetto Lacey Cinemas, of course) and the two of them felt inspired by it. Well, I am not immune to divine serendipity either, you know. My heart may be as black and void as the canvas of that sign, but I'm here to prove that I can use "the real F word" like the best of them, and I can very easily convert my language usage to accommodate it.
For instance, if someone says something really insulting to me, I'll simply tell the person to go forgive themselves. Okay, I can do better than that. Next...
If I get pulled over by a police officer, I'll make sure to say to him: "I'd forgive you in order to get out of this ticket, but I'm not sure if that's legal."
And with this new change to the "F" word, it will be so much easier to advertise in the paper for that orgy you've always wanted to have but were to shy to ask about. Your ad can read something like this:
"Feeling dirty? Well, nothing goes better with dirty than a good, deep forgiving from a group full of strangers. Bring yourself and any willing friends to our 4th Annual Forgive-Fest. You'll forgive the night away, but you'll never forget it."
You also have to wonder how "The Real F Word" changes the context of historical quotes:
Oscar Wilde once said: "Forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much." Methinks this will no longer be the case. In fact, I think if we made a habit of regularly "forgiving" our enemies under this new system, we might very well have attained that much sought-after world peace.
Then Mahatma Gandhi offered this tidbit of wisdom: "The weak never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong." Indeed, Gandhi. Given your emaciated state, I do wonder if you had much of a capacity to "forgive," if you know what I mean.
George Bernard Shaw once stated that the secret of forgiving everything is understanding nothing. Indeed, indeed. One need only read about the guy who let that horse forgive him right up the ass to know that Shaw was on the money with this one.
And finally, a Dutch physician of old named Paul Boese once offered this tidbit of wisdom: "Forgiveness does not erase the past, but it does enlarge the future." Oh Dr. Boese, you couldn't be more correct. Of course, under the new guidelines, "forgiveness" enlarges more than that.
I personally am grateful to finally see the "F" word through a whole new light. I don't know why I didn't stumble upon this possibility years ago when, as a young girl, I was feeling all guilty for my promiscuous actions. If I'd simply told myself I was "forgiving" my boyfriend for pressuring me, I would have felt a whole lot better about what I was doing.
There is so much more I can say here, but I'll leave off for now. I only have one thing to say: if you are reading this and are one of the people I've forgiven in the past, I just hope that it was as good for you as it was for me. After all, as Alexander Pope once said, to forgive is divine.