Rude Awakenings. In List Form.

So this morning, my plan to sleep in was cut short. Not by children, amazingly enough. And not by an inconvenient need to empty my bladder. No, the conditions for sleeping for an extra 40 minutes were as ripe and lucious as a mid-September blackberry, and I snuggled deep into my velour blanket/down comforter combo, relishing the warmth and quite sure deep in my mind that time had momentarily stopped. Under those blankets, there are no worries. No bills and lack of money to pay them, no homework deadlines, no messy house in need of cleaning, no fighting children. It's a fuzzy warm portal into the emptiness of my sleepy brain where, for a short duration, nothing matters.

And then...


Ah shit, Jackie! Why you gotta do that NOW?

For those who don't know, Jackie is my phone. He's named that because he's a Samsung Blackjack, and for those who did know that but didn't know this, Samsung Blackjacks have perhaps the most intrusively powerful vibrate setting known to man. They could sell phallically-shaped attachments for the damn thing and it would KILL the competition in both the cellphone industry and the adult entertainment one. In fact, it would be the dick-shaped bridge to unite them, and I'd be a billionaire. Fuck, why didn't I think of this before?? But I'm not here to provide you with a T.M.I. moment, as hard as that may be to believe.

So here my phone is vibrating away like a rogue dildo on a porno set. It's a friend of mine. He requires entertainment at work. I'm flattered, but, well, the monkey is SLEEPING! When he later told me that there were worse ways to wake up, I told him that yes, waking up to a dog eating my face would be marginally worse. Or perhaps someone peeing in my ear. That would rank only slightly worse on the Worse-o-Meter. Here are a few other things I came up with that, in an either/or scenario between my friend Ian disturbing my sleep in the early morning hours and "this really fucked up thing," choosing the "really fucked up thing" would really not be too big of a stretch.

1. Waking up to a very limber circus midget attempting to do a handstand on my kneecaps.

2. Waking up to a psychotic clown attempting to sew my eyelids shut.

3. Waking up to a televisied speech by Dick Cheney.

4. Waking up to someone holding a breakfast tray loaded with poo sandwiches and a giant plate of olives (I fucking HATE olives).

5. Waking up to find that I'm 12 again, and my mom telling me it's time to get ready for school.

6. Waking up to a group of cockroaches having an orgy on the other side of my bed.

7. Waking up to find I am the eighth wife of a Mormon preacher.

8. Waking up to being licked by a carnie with a syphllis-infected tongue.

9. Waking up to find that all music in the world has been replaced by country gospel.

10. Waking up to find I'd had a three-way interlude with George Hamilton and Jared from the Subway commercials, and I'm covered in bronzer and ham juice.

Yeah, those things would only slightly suck more than being texted too early in the morning.

But, thankfully for him, I'm a very forgiving friend.


  1. I was doing okay with the list until I read #10!

    Scuse me while I go swish away the vomit mouth with some minty fresh Scope!

  2. lol... I made a top ten just to make sure that at least one of the items would disgust everyone. ;) That one and the Dick Cheney speech was perhaps the worst for me.

  3. Ha ha ha.

    Also, waking up becuase your grandmother and grandfather decided to have anal sex bent over your nightstand. Ick.

  4. And I am NOT going there with 10. I had Subway last night. It was ham =(

  5. Toss up on the 8th wife or the Cheney speech. I think Cheney wins as Matt has permanently burned that teabag photo of him onto my retina's.

  6. TF -- LMAO! You are a sick, sick individual! I love you!

    Starrlight -- Oh my F god, that picture is pure evil! I remember that. LOL We'll not think about the ham... ;)

  7. I'm glad I've only had 4 of those things ever happen to me.

  8. I am still stupified by your disdain for olives. They are not as you say, Satan's Dingleberries.

    As far as bad awakenings, I would be aghast to wake up to receiving a blow job from Phyllis Diller while Dubya stands naked in the corner juggling containers full of stem cells.

    Yes, I think about these things. Cheers Dear!!

  9. I'd hate to wake up knowing I have to go earn a living working in a fucking warehouse when I'd rather be writing for a living.

    Oh, wait.


  10. lol... Ian, you're going for the sympathy angle here. Okay, you can text me again tomorrow morning.

  11. Country gospel did it for me. Yikes!

  12. Allie: At my age, just waking up (rudely or otherwise)is cause for a day long celebration.

    Then, the dread reappears at bedtime.

    Just another pint before I go....

  13. Wait? Jackie Blackberry is male? Why not call him "Jack?"

    Now, I'm confused.

  14. Matt -- How is this any different from when you actually wake up? ;)

    Hammer -- You really ARE lucky! Damn! LOL!!

    Natalia -- It would do it for most sane folks, I think. LOL

    Doc -- Will ya STOP being so grim! Dammit! You ain't going anywhere on my watch! :)

    Brian -- Jackie is kind of an androgynous she-male.

  15. She-male? ahhh... sort of like my friend, Dr. B...