12.18.2007

You Go to Hell and You Die, Hershey!

I got a thing about mints in that I kinda love them. I love them so much that I actually wrote something awhile back waxing poetic about three of my favorites. In fact, I'll even quote myself on why I think mints kind of rule, because when you've written as much about inane bullcrap as I have, you earn the right to quote yourself:

"What happens when the garlic in your marinara, the onions on your burger, the pastrami on your rye, or the beer in your glass turns your mouth into a fetid stench cavern that wafts out fumes of chi-destroying sulfuric necrosis with every uttered breath? Reach for a mint, of course!"

Indeed, reach for a mint. There is something inherently satisfying about a good mint, and it's not only because they provide the illusion that your breath smells better than a horse breeder's hand (if you've never seen how horses are bred, you will not get this joke). It's also because they are so goddamn dynamic. How many ways can the essence of the humble mint leaf be delivered to a stinky palate? Well, a lot.

But then Hershey had to come along and do something else. Oh Hershey, WHY couldn't you leave well enough alone? Why did you have to say to yourself: "Yeah, how about we make a minty chocolaty concoction that guarantees Allie will not only be unable to resist scarfing down the whole bag she just bought yesterday, but will ensure that she will be scooping up every last bag from the increasingly bare Target shelves before the end of the holiday season, after which she will be crying for a whole year until we decide to unleash them again in December of 2008? Yeah, let's do that! Because we're cruel and evil and shit!"

This wouldn't be happening, of course, if they had just merely decided to make mint-flavored chocolate kisses. That's simply not interesting enough to keep me entertained. I'm a texture before taste kind of girl, and they KNOW this apparently, which is why they decided to FILL an otherwise boring dark chocolate Hershey's kiss with soft, buttery, creamy, green mint stuff. It's like they married the Andes mint with those Hickory Farms butter mint (which are the head of the confectionery Axis of Evil). This is what their offspring looks like:

You might be asking yourself why I'm writing this. You must think I'm trying to tempt you into buying some delicious Hershey's Mint Truffle Kisses for your own enjoyment. But no. I'm trying to save your souls, people. I'm like the crack addict who has lost her last tooth and is whoring herself to her own relatives in order to score another rock saying "Don't do like I did. Use me as an example."

Consider yourselves warned.

7 comments:

  1. I've gotta go get me some for my hubby's stocking. He'd like this even more than porn.

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  2. When, um, my mouth is a fetid stench cavern, I tend to brush, you know, with tooth paste...

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  3. Ian -- that is, indeed, what it is!

    Kristen -- your husband has his priorities straight! lol

    G&T -- are you one of those freakish people who breaks out a toothbrush in the middle of a restaurant??

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  4. I'm also a big fan of mint. In my stocking this year: Snowflake-shaped York Peppermint Patties. We also have candy dishes full of the little Hershey's bars, but we have the Dark Chocolate Mint, the White Chocolate Mint, and the Milk Chocolate Mint flavors. We also have the regular mint Kisses, and the ones you describe here. Finally, you must, absolutely must try Mint M&Ms. I couldn't stop eating them. It was creepy. My hand just kept shoveling them into my mouth.

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  5. Jesus Christmas, Allie! Why did you do this? I would have continued to live in my little dream world, but now I want a mint kiss WICKED BAD! See, you even made me break into New Englandese.

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  6. LOL... this is now the litmus test for when Laura is distressed. If she starts talking like she's from South Boston. ;)

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