I hate Santa Claus. That eerily-congenial fat fuck has forgotten all about the grown-ups. It's almost as if on our seventh or eighth year of life he sneaks into the house to leave us presents and injects us with a serum to make us believe he never existed just so we won't have to be a part of his route anymore. Oh sure, Cringle's just looking out for himself. His sleigh probably has a weight limit (and if the Surgeon General has his way, Claus himself will be taking up less of that poundage) and his jolly little elves have likely unionized by now, forcing him to raise standards for his workers (although if he would just hire young Guatemalen elves, it would make things far simpler), but I wonder if there is some other saint/entity/deity/object of folklore out there for us grown-ups who just want to come out to the living room on Christmas morning and find something under the tree waiting just for us.
I think there is such a person, and I'm going to give him a name: Todd. That's right. Todd. I don't know why. It's just the first name that popped into my head.
So Todd, if you're listening, this is what I want you to leave me for Christmas. I know all of these things sound impossible, but if Santa can fly around the world delivering presents in a single night, these requests should seem quite easy by comparison:
1. A foot massage. By a real person, thank you. Those store-bought mechanical jobs will not do. And I'd prefer that the person doing it only speak English. I don't trust those Asian nail salon people who sit around talking in Korean while they're fucking with my feet. This reminds me of a Seinfeld episode...
2. A taco bar. Yeah, I want to be able have tacos whenever I want, and when I think the word "taco," I want the entire array of fixins to materialize right before me.
3. Karate lessons. This sounds simple, sure, but I will only accept the gift if you first resurrect Pat Morita from his grave. And make sure he's not all decayed and stuff either, because that would be gross. I can't be expected to retain the tenets of Karate such as "wax on/wax off" and "paint the fence" while chunks of skin are falling off my sensei.
4. I want my Christmas tree to be made entirely of corndogs and strung with a garland of cheddar cheese cubes. I don't know why, but those two things just sound really good right now. Have plenty of mustard standing by. Oh and make sure it's hot when I get there too. No sense in eating lukewarm corndogs.
5. An iTunes gift card.
I'm not demanding at all. Make it happen, Todd. Make it happen.