6.09.2007

All I Ever really Needed to Know, I Learned From Watching Movies...

The Gouda Household Reference Section

Who said life's lesson's can't be attained from Hollywood? I've spent the vast majority of my life acquiring important survival knowledge directly from the silver screen, and I'm proud to say I'm not dead yet. You want to know how? Just follow these twenty simple wisdoms, and you too will be a superstar!

1. There is a secret chamber in every gun that contains extra bullets. This goes for both revolvers AND automatics. Don't bother looking for it. The bullets will magically appear once you're out.

2. If you have the ability to say less than 5 words to someone that would automatically clear up a simple misunderstanding, no matter what you do -- DON'T SAY ANYTHING! That would be silly. Instead, wait until the person is about to make a dramatic exit from the country or down the aisle with your worst enemy. Then you can swoop in like a badass and clear everything up, and no one will ever think you're an idiot for waiting.

3. If some evil person has kidnapped you, or if the person who has had a vendetta out for you for years has finally caught up to you, don't sweat it. It's not like they're actually going to kill you! They're going to want to talk first and explain their whole motivation behind wanting to kill you, which will leave just enough time for someone to save you or for you to escape.

4. If you are sneaking into someone's room or house and going through their things, and the owner of said things is right outside the door, about to come in, you will gain the remarkable ability to vanish into thin air as soon as the door opens. This rule also applies if you're being stalked by a killer, and you run into a dead end.

5. Never totally banish nutty people with extreme ideas from society, because one way or another, they will become heroes. See: Footloose.

6. It doesn't matter if you are dying from a very nasty illness or if you've been up for 36 hours straight, if you're a woman you will always have perfect eyeliner and lip gloss.

7. No one ever REALLY needs to go to the bathroom, sleep, or eat. When under duress, any and all autonomic needs simply vanish. Well, except the need to have sex. See: Sarah Connor

8. Convenience store surveillance cameras have the same picture quality and resolution as cinematic digital cameras. Remember this next time you think you might want to hold up the corner Circle K. You could park your getaway car all the way across the street, and some bright-eyed crime scene investigator will be able to zoom in and see everything from the license plate number to the spinach in your teeth.

9. Every car on the planet can be started by ripping two random wires from the steering wheel column and touching them together.

10. You'll be okay if you're trying to fight a group of people, because only one person at a time will actually try to fight you while the others will stand around and watch.

11. No one is actually dead unless you see their brains exploding from their skulls or their heads actually leaving their bodies.

12. If you speak Spanish, French, German, Russian, or any other foreign language, you and your friends will likely speak English among yourself. Don't ask yourself how. It will just come to you. Also, sometimes you will have a British accent for no apparent reason.

13. When giving birth, you can always expect the baby to come out in three pushes, and be chubby, alert, and smiling. Placentas and afterbirth are merely a myth..

14. Don't bother defusing a bomb that is more than 10 seconds away from detonating. It's a waste of time. Instead, cut the correct wire when there is about 5 seconds left.

15. Hold the full, unsupported weight of a human being with one arm as they dangle over a building ledge or some precipice is totally easy, and you should easily be able to pull them back up if you love them enough.

16. If you inexplicably find yourself in the future and need to know the date, there will always be a newspaper on the top of a trashcan that can answer that question for you.

17. CPR is actually really easy and takes next to no effort at all. And a defibrillator will never work unless you're angry first. As a final resort, a few rage-filled pounds to the person's chest will almost certainly do the trick.

18. There is no danger at all when you are within vicinity of an exploding car or building. You might be thrown gracefully through the air by the shock wave, but the force field created by your epic badassery should easily deflect most shrapnel.

19. You are never supposed to use water to take pills. Just pop them and start chewing, or dry swallow them and chase with your favorite brand of scotch.

20. When someone is chasing you, don't bother running, because you will almost certainly fall down. Also, your car, which has never acted up before and has started up every time you've needed it before. will be as dead as a door nail. If the latter is the case, see #9.