Better Late Than Never: A "Heartfelt" Conversation

What is all colors of the rainbow, a symbol of everything that is trite and annoying about a recent holiday, and tastes like regurgitated Pepto Bismol? (Pssst... look up).

I had meant to post something about these loathsome, licentious lozenges of love prior to Valentine's Day, but my resentment for them was still lurking somewhere below the plane of conscious thought. Honestly, I hadn't given much thought to the dreaded "Conversation Heart" until now, because I hadn't seen one in eons. It was only when Natalie came home from school last week with a paper sack filled with about a dozen boxes of these supposedly edible abominations that a bucket of latent abhorrence ascended from the caliginous well of poison that rests somewhere below my solar plexus.

So... yeah. I guess my distaste for these candies is plain. It's probably because they look "old" to me. In fact, I think the very first conversation hearts were found in the tomb of Egyptian Queen Nefertiti, bestowed upon her by her beloved Akhenaten, and they had endearing phrases written upon them such as "Hot Mummy" and "Embalm Me." They also have the distinct flavor of cough syrup or dirty feet. Or cough syrup that has had dirty feet soaking in it for about twenty years.

I am convinced that the conversation heart will survive a nuclear holocaust, if only to provide a limitless food supply for an army of highly evolved cockroaches, the surviving humans who actually dare to eat these things, and the human-cockroach hybrid creatures that the two factions will inevitably spawn.

I think the makers of the "Sweethearts" need to consider ending this chalky conversation once and for all. Besides, there are much better things that the human-roach hybrids of the future (beings I will refer to as "Roachosapiens") can subsist upon. Like Velveeta or Spam.


  1. I found M&M message ones and they were pretty good.

  2. I love the "Hot Mummy" and "Embalm Me"! Hutton came home with a math worksheet that had conversation hearts glued to the paper for counting. I kept worrying he'd pull them off to eat them, glue and all, or that one of the dogs would eat the paper. They probably taste about the same with glue on them. I confiscated the rest of the Valentine's candy, since I knew it would have corn syrup in it. What's the deal with Valentine's Day becoming another candy day? It used to be about cards, but now they all have gummy hamburgers attached (SpongeBob Valentines for that one). Candy is for Halloween, people! If there's candy involved on Valentine's Day, it should only be the form of the finest chocolate, given to me.

  3. YES! They taste like stale bits of Pepto Bismol, recycled in trying-to-be-cute-but-failing form. Tums taste better than these odd little declarations of popularity and affection. I have probably close to a dozen boxes of them, and no idea what to do with them. Juliana also came home with a box of Necco conversation heart GUM of all things. The gum version didn't taste any better.

  4. Mmmmmmm Veleveeta and SPAM. I must be a futuristic Cock Person!!

  5. I could eat those hearts all day everyday.


    And so full of wisdom!

  6. There are times in our lives, as I've discovered, where food can actually mislead, give poor advice or, in my case, hurt my feelings.


    Valentine's Day and I are not on speaking terms. It mocks me. I loathe it. Eh, it's behind me and off my horizon for another eleven months and three weeks now... :-)

    It's the only "holiday" that could actually be represented by -bad- candy.

  7. Justin -- Now messages on an M&M are good. M&Ms are REAL candy! :)

    Laura -- I agree with the candy and Valentine's. Nat came home with a ton of crap! Ugh!

    Jessica -- I too would also rather eat Tums. lol

    Matt-Man -- I had my suspicions you'd usher in the era of the Cock-People!

    Scott -- that makes one of you so far! ;)

    Dan -- I think I'm with you on the "holiday" in general. I guess the candy fits the day. lol

  8. I, for one, will greet these Cock People with an open hand... err, never mind.

    Some people may say "Holy Hatshepsut" and chalk like an Egyptian, but I am in your camp against these anti-candies. What is it with holidays and unpalatable processed foodstuff? --> see Cheeps and candy corn as examples.

    Hopefully when the Cock People rule, they'll get their heads out of their asses and do something about this...

  9. Chris -- My only advice: be careful with how you handle the Cock People. Some of them are a little sensitive and have a tendency to blow their tops a little easily. LOL

  10. They are disgusting little commercial holiday helpers. EEK.


  11. The M&M messages are good. So are the messages on the flags of hershey kisses. I think those hearts are just edible chalk. Nummy.

  12. but cheese girl, are you going to tell us what you really think about the little things?

    smiles, bee