Better Late Than Never: A "Heartfelt" Conversation
What is all colors of the rainbow, a symbol of everything that is trite and annoying about a recent holiday, and tastes like regurgitated Pepto Bismol? (Pssst... look up).
I had meant to post something about these loathsome, licentious lozenges of love prior to Valentine's Day, but my resentment for them was still lurking somewhere below the plane of conscious thought. Honestly, I hadn't given much thought to the dreaded "Conversation Heart" until now, because I hadn't seen one in eons. It was only when Natalie came home from school last week with a paper sack filled with about a dozen boxes of these supposedly edible abominations that a bucket of latent abhorrence ascended from the caliginous well of poison that rests somewhere below my solar plexus.
So... yeah. I guess my distaste for these candies is plain. It's probably because they look "old" to me. In fact, I think the very first conversation hearts were found in the tomb of Egyptian Queen Nefertiti, bestowed upon her by her beloved Akhenaten, and they had endearing phrases written upon them such as "Hot Mummy" and "Embalm Me." They also have the distinct flavor of cough syrup or dirty feet. Or cough syrup that has had dirty feet soaking in it for about twenty years.
I am convinced that the conversation heart will survive a nuclear holocaust, if only to provide a limitless food supply for an army of highly evolved cockroaches, the surviving humans who actually dare to eat these things, and the human-cockroach hybrid creatures that the two factions will inevitably spawn.
I think the makers of the "Sweethearts" need to consider ending this chalky conversation once and for all. Besides, there are much better things that the human-roach hybrids of the future (beings I will refer to as "Roachosapiens") can subsist upon. Like Velveeta or Spam.
Posted by Allison M. Dickson