American "Write"-ol

It's that time of year, when The Parade of the Deluded commences yet again. That's right, kids. American Idol.

Now I know a lot of you absolutely hate this show, or the very idea of it, and believe that it introduces yet another pop star who will clog our airwaves with sentimental, schmaltzy suckage, and to a certain extent I agree. American Idol is probably, in the longrun, bad for America. It is, in fact, a giant uranium lollipop for an already cancer-riddled music industry, but at the same time, there is something that is undeniably crack-like about it. It starts out as a carnival freakshow and ends up being a heartwarming human interest story, and in a world filled with buckets full of depressing stinkiness, it's nice to sit down in front of the TV twice a week to enjoy a little bubblegum.

I just wish they would do something like American Idol for writers. They could have potential contestants stand at podiums to read excerpts from their growing literary masterpieces, in front of a panel of judges from varying genres. Stephen King would be on it, of course, and would probably parallel in judging style to Randy Jackson, because he's cool and laidback. There would have to be a third-rate, mainstream "pop" writer, who is more about story, and comes up short on actual writing skill, who would serve in the gleefully ambivalent Paula Abdul capacity. I'll go with Dan Brown, Dean Koontz, or James Patterson for that one. And there would, of course, have to be a snobby, literary stuffed suit to play the snarky role of Simon Cowell. I can't think of anyone who is still alive who would fit that bill (maybe the talented yet undeniably pretentious Brett Easton Ellis). I think I'll just have to go with the very late Oscar Wilde, only because he had such great one-liners. The winner, of course, would get a $1 million book deal with Simon and Schuster.

I've been trying to come up with something worth submitting to this competition, and I think I finally got it. The following is a small excerpt. Please... be honest.

"Her hair flowed all like shredded paper that was gold-colored as she rid on a giant white horse to meet the man of her destiny. He had bicepts like hard dinner rolls, and tenderloins as scary great as those giant sausages you find hanging up at the deli. Yeah, he was her dreamboat, allright, and he was waiting for her. In a giant field filled with all kinds of pretty flowers and stuff, wearing rilly tight pants that made his butt look all hot. "Hello my lover." the girl said as she rode up next to the man who looked rilly good. "I think I'm going to rip you right off that horse and have you ride me instead." the tasty lump of man-meat said in a rilly sexy voice that was all low and manly. The girl got all blushed and brushed her hair back from her chest that had been totally bequeethed with ragingly massive boosums. "Why don't you be a gentle man and help me down then?" she said. He helped her down and wrapped his big strongly arms around her waste. "I want you to taste like a steak. One I just cooked on the grill." he whispered in her ear. She moaned at his manlyness. "Oh yeah, totally."
Oh hell yeah. Simon & Schuster can start drawing up that paperwork already. I got hot just writing that.


  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! For once, literally, LOL. If you finish this novel, I will publish it myself. Pure gold, like strands of paper that are gold colored. Best thing I've read so far this year. Rilly.

  2. Lmfao. I like the hard dinner roll biceps. You will totally win this. I wish someone would tell me they hoped I would taste like a steak right off the grill. Mmmmhmm, now that is just the kind of wooing I deserve! Wowsa. Rilly.

  3. Hard Dinner Rolls, I agree that was a good one. I was thinking that in the role of Simon, you could get William F. Buckley. Just a thought. Cheers!!

  4. Jonathan -- I would rilly rilly appreciate your assistance in publishing. You know, in the off chance that the judges of American Write-ol do not appreciate my literary brilliance. ;)

    Shannon -- You know that's what every man on earth is REALLY thinking. Grilled steak. LOL!

    Matt -- I don't know why I didn't think of William F. Buckley! Very nice! And he won't be quite as skeletal as Oscar Wilde undoubtedly is by now. ;)

    Natalia -- you should! I'm telling you, I'm going to contact the folks at Fox and tell them they are really missing out on a great opportunity here.

  5. Great idea, Allie! I have been hooked on American Idol this season - the first time I've watched. I love the car wreck aspect of the hopefuls who rilly think they can sang.

    Iy'd love to right on American Write-ol, too! I jest know Iy'd make it to at least the top 10. You're storey is HOTTT! Love it!

  6. Allie, I had to post that excerpt on a friends blog. House of Sternberg is a blog authored by a writing professor and author who gives writing "assignments" for those who like to participate. He had one a month or so ago where he challenged us to write something really bad. The logic being that you can't write well if you can't recongnize bad writing.

    Yours was probably "better" than anything the rest of us came up with. Just great.

  7. For a second there, I thought you were going to make fun of my all time favorite TV show...

    Carrie Underwood makes me cream spinach...

  8. honey i think you get hot too easily.

    smiles, bee

  9. Okay Allie, still lmfao rilly. And I was waiting for something serious. Rilly. Still figuring out your page. It's Melinda. lol

  10. I can't stop thinking about meat . .

  11. 'The girl got all blushed and brushed her hair back from her chest that had been totally bequeethed with ragingly massive boosums.'

    THAT, my dear, is exquisite. That is a gem. (I mean, it has it ALL... alliteration, emotion, pace, hyperbole.) You have demonstrated more skill in twenty words than most writers exhibit in four hundred pages.

    Talk about warming a guy up for Valentine's Day. Whew!

  12. Awesome Alie, not just the racy, sailor-blushing story, but the Am Write-Ol comp - very creative!

  13. I can't believe I missed this when you first published it, but I'm glad you mentioned it. I'm lmao over here... And if you can get Jonathan to write LOL, you've accomplished something. :-)