9.01.2006

Leave it Dead: Killing Me Sweetly: The Cloying Conclusion- Terrifying Candy

In this three part Leave it Dead series, Gouda has done her best to try and cover all bases regarding sweets that are not sinful by their delicious taste, but by their very abominable existence. Circus Peanuts were bad enough to warrant their own specific entry. Then we had the "sticky" species that we (the Royal We, anyway) concluded were a conspiracy on the part of lazy dentists worldwide. Now, we must move on to what are perhaps the worst offenders of all. Those substances that only a child under the age of 10 could truly appreciate and that any parent (namely ME, because it's all about ME) of said child would like to banish to the 11th dimension of hell.

Enter Gummy Worms (or any gummy insect for that matter). Phobias of such live creatures aside, whenever I see a likeness of an insect perfectly captured in an edible delivery system, I want to scream. I simply cannot abide by eating something that resembles a creature that I'd rather see squashed on the bottom of a shoe. Not MY shoe, mind you, because I don't even like to get close enough to allow that to happen. So keep the damned gelatinous insects AWAY, please.


Next on the list: Squeeze Pops. A relatively contemporary newcomer on the cavity-creating scene, this runny goop is supposed to be like a lollipop in liquid form. It actually has more of the consistency of hair gel. That you EAT. In all manner of unnatural colors and flavors, the Squeeze Pop, or as I like to call it- Free Radical in a Tube- is the kind of candy that symbolizes the uncouth epitomy of candy manufacturers who think they can get kids to eat just about ANYTHING so long as it tastes sweet. I'd rather give my kids straight sugar cubes than to see them pumping this foul crap into their mouths.

Last by not least, this item isn't even quite considered "candy" but more a "snack", although
when I see them, I am immediately repulsed. I've given these to my kids a few times and felt immediately guilty. If I find my inner-monologue crying: "What is IN this stuff??" I know I probably made the wrong choice. And that leads me to Fruit Roll-Ups, and their evil cousins: Fruit by the Foot. When I was a kid, Fruit Roll-Ups were semi-normal. You had your strawberry, cherry, and grape flavors that you would peel from the cellophane, wad up into a ball, and shove into your mouth. Bad, I know, and on the verge of being abominable, but innocent enough. Today's mass-market fakey fruit leather is far more insidious. There are varieties that put tattoos on kid's tongues. They are more and more laden with enough dye to make a hair salon jealous, and they're about as far from an innocent wholesome delight as a Paris Hilton, Anna Nicole Smith, and Ron Jeremy three-way.

All of the above are the Jerry Springer of sweets. I know all any candy just boils down to being a cluster of simple sugars, designed specifically to spike our gluclose levels into the stratosphere for that all-too brief bout of dreamy euphoria, but I think in order to complete the package, there should be some semblance of class involved. Eating a gel replica of a spider, squeezing sweet hair gel into my mouth, and chewing on a piece of fruity pleather is just not my idea of sugary wholesome goodness.

As science continues to advance, the quality of our confections seems to fade, and the above-mentioned mutants of the humble sucrose and fructose molecules are raining on my candy parade!

Get thee behind me, O Foul Ones!

8 comments:

  1. As unnatural as they are, I do love me some gummy bears/worms. Especially the extra unnatural neon sour gummy worms.

    That gel, though? Disgusting.

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  2. I like the gummy worms, too. The sour ones, especially! I haven't seen the hair gel you eat, though. Looks foul. Hutton loves Stretch Island fruit leather, but it's actually made of fruit and doesn't have all the fake crap. I get it at Costco. Between that and keeping the boys from eating all the crap I eat, I feel like a somewhat decent mother. ;)

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  3. Laura- I like the Stretch Island fruit leather as well. I think I'm just freaked out by the myriad of artificial coloring that is out there these days. And I eat a lot of crap too. LOL

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  4. About the only chewy candy that I ever liked was Mike and Ike's, Good and Fruity, and Hot Tamales...Of course if I ate a box today, I would be missing some teeth....

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  5. My kids like gummy snakes. They clammer for lollies then leave them half-eaten on the coffee table.
    It alarms me when they have something that stains their teeth. Yikes.

    Clara

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  6. Ok, I agree with all said choices in this entry. Leave them dead, kill them, burn them, banish them to the fires of hell.
    Just save me some Now & Laters

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  7. Sweet, candy corn didn't make the list! It's safe. *sigh of relief*

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  8. Greg- I decided to leave it off the list for one good reason: candy corn is like the Justin Timberlake of candy. I don't WANT to like it. It's SO not what I need or look for in a candy. But I find myself liking it anyway. lol

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