Leave it Dead: Killing Me Sweetly Part II- Sugary Tooth Extractors

There are some things in this world that even when they are not all that good, they are still somewhat enjoyable. Examples would include pizza and sex. Even less-than stellar intercourse that does not result in multiple orgasms is still better than no sex. At least that's the way I feel. You would think candy should fall into this category. After all, it contains sugar, which is the universal feel-good compound that makes all the right chemicals surge through our beleaguered brains. Unfortunately, there are items in the candy world that take us down the road to saccharine perdition, and often times, that road is paved with the expensive dental work or cavity-laden molars of their victims.

The Gouda today will chastise the candies that try hardest to keep the world's dentists in business:

Milk Duds and/or Riesen
JuJubes, Starburst, Now & Later

I mean... what the fuck? Where does the joy lie in rigid, sweet clumps of misery adhering to the cracks and crevices of one's chompers? These virulent rogues of the confectionary world violate the one rule I have for the enjoyment of any foodstuff:

If more time trying to get the crap out of my teeth or out of its natural encasement must be spent than actually chewing, swallowing, and enjoying said foods, it's not worth eating. Life is short, people. I'd rather spend it living off the nourishment I'm putting into my body than fighting with it before ingesting it. Other foods falling under this category include sunflower seeds in the shell, shellfish that has not been cracked open in advance, ribs, and corn on the cob. It's not that I don't eat these things, it's just not something toward which I tend to gravitate first. But let's save those offenders for another post and focus on the sweet stuff.

It's not that the above-mentioned candies don't taste good. I love the combination of caramel and chocolate. No- check that- I want to drown myself in it. I also enjoy the fruity fakeness of the Jujubes and Starbursts, although they don't really trigger in me the "I'm going to die from the sheer lust I'm experiencing from eating this" vibe.

So even if it tastes alright, the act of eating a piece of Riesen, for instance, is akin to using a pair of hedgeclippers to trim my fingernails. Why go to all that trouble and potentially disasterous result by eating that when I could so much more easily swoon myself into the titillating utopia of sucrose saturation by eating one or two (okay, a dozen) of something like, say, a Hershey's Kiss?

I do have a grudging admission, though. Maybe one good thing about candies like this is that by their very irritatingly laborious nature, they halt the tendency to binge. Of course, my tendency to binge (or eat, period) would also be halted if I had to make an emergency trip to the dentist to have the amalgam shoved back into my upper-right bicuspid. I'd rather just not go there.

I almost convinced myself to concede defeat on my own point, but not now!

No... no... Molar-adhering candies are officially dead to me, and I'm sticking to it, dammit!

Now... where are my Kisses?


  1. Funny. The food you listed (shellfish, etc) as the ones you hated, are the ones I prefer ... for the very reasons you avoid them: the foreplay. :)

    And although I'm not a sweet fan, these last 2 months I have been helping curb my snack attacks with sugar free black licorice candy (as well as other flavours). The really hard, chewy kind that really sticks. So it takes me a good 20 minutes to totally get it out of my mouth and teeth. 20 minutes that takes me away from something else like a bag or two of chips.

    We'll see what my dentist thinks of that trade-off at my cleaning today.

  2. I always delighted in handing out the generic peanut butter candies wrapped in black and orange paper to the kids at Halloween...It's so much fun to bum out a seven year old Batman.

  3. I totally get that - there are certain foods I avoid due to the trouble or aftermath of eating them (like popcorn). For me, when eating junk food, once it's tickled my taste buds it needs to go into my digestive system for immediate release into the bloodstream, not to be saved in my molars to snack on at a later time.

  4. I love the sticky candies. I haven't had a Now and Later in years, but I remember buying tons of them at cheerleading practice. Juju's are good too. I think I like the feeling of the breaking my teeth apart while chewing the candy.
    It's been a while, but I might stop at the candy shop tomorrow for some sweet nostalgia.

  5. Thank you, thank you, thank you... I thought I was the only one who hated chewy candy. Don't forget the tooth-yanking horror that is saltwater taffy!

  6. Okay. I agree that the whole process of attempting to digest such candy becomes much more of a task than most folks want to have to deal with.

    I'm a fan of such candy because of the bang-for-the-buck factor. Does candy do anything for you once the flavor has left your taste buds? Why not let the pleasure last a little longer then?

  7. Now & Laters are my biggest nemesis. They taste great, but those things cause so much pain!