Leave it Dead: Killing Me Sweetly Part 1: Circus Peanuts

Is that title not confusing enough?

I figured that there are several candies out there that need to die a painful death, and there are too many to fit in a single post. So Memoirs of a Gouda is pledged to do a multi-part investigation on Friday's Leave it Dead column on the legion of tooth-rotting gastronimic nightmares from our childhood. As opposed to the tooth-rotting, gastro-orgasmic treats of love that we want to keep.

What inspired me to go down this path, you ask? Well, as I was swooning through a mental climax that can only be inspired by creamy mashmallow covered with chocolate and cashews, otherwise known as a Rocky Road Bar, I found myself wondering what could possibly kill this moment.

And out of nowhere, a Circus Peanut popped into my head. You know what they are- the fake, foamy, formidably funknacious, fucking GROSS candies that look like this:

I know they aren't "dead" in the sense that my regular Friday entry typically requires, but I think I need to work this bit of mental anguish out. To not "leave it dead", but to once and for all make them "dead to me". I saw some of these disgusting capsules of evil dangling in a cellophane bag in the corner gas station just last night, and I had my typical flashback involving my first bite of the pugnacious puffy peanut. It was in the third grade, and the girl at the desk next to me asked if I wanted a piece of candy. Upon my eager nodding, as any healthy child in elementary school is wont to do, I accepted in my hand the finger-like, flesh-colored morsel and took my first bite, whereupon the dire urge to vomit assailed upon me like a pair of rough cops. I remember looking at my friend, grinning sheepishly, placing the entire peanut in my mouth, and feigning joyful chewing with all of the skill of a taster on the Iron Chef who has just sampled a spoonful of salmon roe ice cream. When she looked away, I immediately removed said peanut, now tacky with sucrose-laden juvenile saliva and tried to figure out what to do with it. In a fit of ingenuity that would only befit an 8-year-old, I plastered it to the underside of my desk, where I promptly squashed it with my fingertips, like a giant piece of chewed bubblegum. I flattened it as much as I could, and there it stayed for the remainder of the school year, and as far as I know, for years after that.

I imagine that desk now lies rotting in the bottom of some landfill, but that mutilated, petrified circus peanut remains as intact as ever, holding my DNA like a solid piece of amber, only it's been avoided by every specimen of bug, mold, and vermin that exists in such places. Nature will not reclaim what is not of this planet, I am convinced. And I'm also convinced that the Circus Peanut should forever reside in the Hall of What Should Never Have Been and What Never Again Will Be.

Stay tuned next week when The Gouda investigates another conspiracy likely cooked up by evil dentists. The Easy Tooth Extractors known as Ju-Ju-Bees and Milk Duds.


  1. Circus Peanuts, not so tasty but fun to play with. Just like...well nevermind

  2. I've never had a circus peanut, and don't have any plans to try one. I've always been a chocolate person, but of the non-chocolate candies I've tried that I don't think I ever need to eat again: Mary Janes, Bit O Honey, salt-water taffy, any other candy designed to pull teeth, black licorice, and Red Vines, the suck version of Twizzlers, which rock. That's all I can think of right now. I'm sure there are more. Candy should never be a form of punishment, but now that I think about it, maybe if my kids only had nasty candy, they wouldn't want to eat regular candy. I think that's what my MIL did to her kids, who don't like chocolate. Sorry I'm so verbose in my comments!

  3. I remember something similar to the Circus Peanut. It was a soft candy shaped like a cone with some spun sugar on the top to simulate ice cream. Truly hideous.
    We'd purchase a 'grab bag' -- a small, paper sack filled with different kinds of candies, (placed in there by the greasy hands of the shopkeeper) -- for 5 cents. And half the bag comprised the aforementioned, barf-inducing 'cones'. Luckily, my brother liked them. I was able to trade up.

  4. Candy corn should burn in the fourth layer of hell for all eternity.

  5. I really hate candy corn. It tastes like death and assholes.

  6. "Share your thoughts at Memoirs of a Gouda. Or nominate your own."

    There aren't any candies I especially hate, but I did want to nominate that you keep candy corn off the chopping block. Then I saw that Lord Bulldar here already wants them axed! How horrible! Good sir, Halloween just isn't Halloween without candy corn.

    "I felt compelled to do a very serious special multi-part investigation on this topic. Why? Because in a world filled with religious fanatics, disease, and starvation, I felt it necessary to emulate a cable news channel."

    Thank heavens you have priorities!

  7. I, too, like candy corn. After a lot of thought (yeah, right), and given the strife in the world today, I've decided that even those loathsome candies I hate should have the right to exist in a free candy country. There may be freaks out there who live for circus peanuts, or God forbid, Mary Janes. Who am I to say they shouldn't eat them? Well, I'll say it, but that probably won't change their bizarre taste in candy. Kumbaya, everybody!

  8. I've never tried the circus peanuts, either. Like Laura, I was/am a chocolate person. I don't like candy corn for the same reason I don't like Bit O Honey or Red Vines. (But I do love me some Twizzlers and Mike & Ike's Hot Tamales.)

  9. What about that mystery candy the cheap people give out at trick-or-treat... something wrapped with two twists in an orange or black wrapper; not quite peanut buttery, not quite caramel, not quite good. That (and candy corn, Cheeps, and foam peanuts) should all die : )

  10. I love Bit O Honey and Candy Corn.

    I agree with Army that the Peanut Butter Taffy (that's what it is) in the black and orange wrappers should be outlawed by penalty of death if given on Halloween. It's worse than getting the five pennies.