Bring it Back: Pluto, Where for Art Thou?

It's only been a few days, but the grief over Pluto no longer being in my solar system has become unbearable. The planet has refused my phone calls and texts. At first I thought it was because it took four hours between messages, but after three days of complete silence, I should just accept the fact that I am being ignored.

I'm not stupid. I know I shouldn't be sacrificing the best years of my life trying to save someone who will never be able to spin in a straight orbit like everyone else. I mean, when you have to lean on the gravitational pull of your neighbors just to have a name for yourself, it's doing that planet no favors to continue enabling its behavior.

I'm just the type who has always been attracted to the wrong planets. The misfits. I had a brief fling with Uranus because of that whole vertical spin deal. Let's face it, kickin' it on your side spinning vercally while the other drones follow the herd spinning horizontally is just freakin' hot, but some problems started when I told all my girlfriends I was totally "into Uranus", so I called it off. I have a reputation to protect. I even had a one-nighter with Neptune's moon Triton. I admired that it went against the grain, traveling in an opposite orbit than all of the other moons, but I have this attraction to power, and let's face it: Triton was a total Momma's Boy. I couldn't wait around forever for him to move out on his own.

So I can't help but be hurt by Pluto's complete disregard for my attempts at contact. He's always been a little distant, but I always thought there was a glimmer of a spark there. That was part of the attraction, I guess. Now that he's rambling out there all alone, who knows that kind of trouble he might end up getting into with these new players that have come into town? I can't help but be concerned.

Maybe I should just move my search for the perfect planet closer to home. Mercury is the hottest thing around, and it's always better getting burned than being on the receiving end of a cold shoulder. I should just face the fact that no matter how much I give, Pluto is just not that into me.


  1. Allie, I've been gone for too long--enjoying a brief moment of reading once again your too funny for words posts....

    Pluto never was good enough for you, ya know. And all your friends knew it....so glad you do now, too!

  2. Pluto had a great run, but you can only fool people for so long...

  3. Did this post get lost in the frozen wastes of space?

  4. Oh Allie, just leave Pluto be. It's from the other side of the asteroid belt... you know what those planets are like out there. And besides, it's just a poser now. You're too good for Pluto.

    I think you should go for the red head next door. Mars is stable, seems welcoming of visitors, and is more likely to support you. What more could you ask in a planet?

  5. Sorry, Pluto, you can't fool everyone forever

  6. Argh, I tried to leave a comment on this yesterday and blogger wouldn't let me!

    I was going to say that I wish they'd make their minds up about Pluto - this all started a long time ago, then they took back their statement, and now they're back to the original controversy. Oy!

  7. Who's to say Pluto's orbit wasn't straight? Maybe its orbit is straight, and the orbits of the other 8 are actually screwed up. Here we go, segregating another minority. Poor Pluto.

  8. By the way Uranus - be forewarned. Now that Pluto has been ostracized and all orbits are uniform, the solar system will be looking for new traits to be judgmental on, and your side-spinning ways are a perfect candidate!