Instruments of the Apocalypse Part X: The Post-Easter Candy Threatdown

You know, this world is full of temptations that threaten to keep my ass fat: cookies, alcohol, Taco Bell, Christian Bale (because calories are a measurement of heat, and looking at him is like taking in a giant hot fudge sundae via occular osmosis, so I really should consider not looking at him so much), and in the aftermath of Easter, where my house looks like it was bombed by a terrorist group known as Willy Wonkaeda, I felt it was important to sort of talk about the main thing that is threatening to shorten my existence on this planet, thereby making it an Instrument of the Apocalypse.

You know where I'm going with this.

The Top 5 Harbingers of My Own Personal Doom right now are:

5. Jelly Beans- Not just any jelly beans though. The Good Kind. The little Jelly Belly kind in all of the exotic flavors, with the exception of the ones that taste like formaldahyde (aka- the black ones). These tasty little faux legumes are like the Chinese water torture of candy; they're so small and look so insignificant that you wouldn't think that they would do any major harm, until you realize you're still reaching for some a couple hours later and you... can't... STOP. And you're begging yourself to PLEASE JUST STOP!!!


4. M&Ms of all varieties- my personal favorite being the peanut butter kind. See above. They couldn't have made these things more addictive than if they came out with a Crack M&Ms flavor. Those fuckers at Mars signed my death warrant 25 years ago, but I'm still here! Ya hear that, you evil pricks? I'M STILL HERE!!!

God... I need to lay off the sugar... Moving on:

3. Cadbury Eggs- well I can say that the demons working for the Cadbury company did something that no one on this list has managed to do yet, and that is to make a delicious candy that is so sweetly satisfying (have you tried the ones with the caramel? Sweet Jesus) that ONE is actually enough! For like, three hours even! How rare that is. It's amazing that they make enough money. It's that adorable clucking spokesrabbit. That's gotta be it.

2. Hershey's Miniatures- Look, evil people from Pennsylvania, it's bad enough that you have to be the home of the fucking Philly Cheesesteak, but you also have to pedal delicious death in the form of cute, tiny, individually wrapped candy bars- especially the kind with the little rice krispies inside- and that... that is just, plain WRONG. You need to be removed from the Union. Maybe THEN I'll be assured that I'll be able to fit through my front door without the aid of axle grease sometime in the near future.

Oh but maybe that's not true, because I haven't really gotten to the number 1 item on the Post-Easter Candy Threatdown. It is one that will almost certainly have me booking my spot on a tear-filled Richard Simmons infomercial if I can't find a way to escape its tantalizing siren call:

1. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups- it's ironic how utterly Zen the combination of PB and Chocolate can be and how very UN-Zen it is to be sitting with a bag of the little miniature sons of bitches within my grasp while the ottoman across from me is littered with tiny, crumpled foil wrappers. I also wonder- is it a total coincidence that I gave my daughter the middle name Reese? While I thought it was a kind of cool, post-modern middle name to pick for her, I wonder if subconsciously I was having a last-minute pregnancy craving.

One thing's for certain, if I remain dilligent and keep eating, this threat can be gone by sometime tomorrow afternoon.

It's a sacrifice I'll have to make.


  1. This was so funny! My mom got the kids Jelly Bellies this year, and ohmygod. I don't even like jelly beans, but these things are like manna from heaven!

    Um, okay, and peanut butter m&ms and the Reese's PB easter eggs? Damn it universe, why did you have to introduce me to these? WHY, WHY??!!

  2. I am uterly disappointed that such a well intentioned list claiming to be a "threatdown" would not include bears. Given, bears do not share the Easterpocalyptic Candy Spotlight with the slough of other sweet confections of madness that are modified or produced just for Easter, but that is just further proof of their strength and steadfast deadliness. Bears can kill you whenever they want. They don't need a holiday to do find a way into your home and ruin it with a few mouthfuls of sweet artificially flavored goodness.

    I have always been outspoken about bears, and despite my best efforts, the American people still take this threat to our way of life very lightly. People, it doesn't matter if they are the simple gummy (or gummi) variety, or the more sinister cinnamon type. We've got to take it upon ourselves to remove the threat of bears. Go to the grocery store right now and buy at least 2 bags each day so you can do your part and make America a safer place!

    For more information on the mammalian version of this dangerous threat to our lives as we know it, please go to www.colbertnation.com or watch the Colbert Report (just so you know, both "T"s are silent, it's french bitch).

  3. I think it's safe to say that the "double Ks" (Kristen and Kenny) have brightened my groggy morning. LOL

  4. I'm not too into candy, but you mention peanut butter. A fav sandwich of mine, toasted or no, is a peanut butter(preferrably crunchy), banana and Miracle Whip sandwich! Mayonaise works, but the 'zip' of the Whip makes a superior snack. The bread? Multi-grain or flax seed. Mmmmm....

  5. have you ever had Reese peanut butter cups fresh from the factory? When I lived in ottawa, we used to drive to the factory and buy the cups that had small aesthetic defects.

    Oh, so good... chocolately and peanuty..
    they were oozing...

  6. Loved the post! I'm a jelly bean addict myself. I love them, love them, love them. Anything chewy and fruity. mmmmmmm Not a big fan of chocolate, but chocolate Jesus's are on sale now! They even have a carmel centered Jesus.